I needed to be outside today. I would have liked to be sitting in a cool coffee place in SF, or walking in a museum, or in an old antique store, or on the beach...but I settled for the Starbuck's patio up on Horizon Ridge. It's got a fair view and it's spacious. When I sat down, it was 75 degrees and after a few hours, it went down to about 68. Still warm even though it's the end of Nov. No complaints from me =). I was able to read and finish "The Artist's Way"...finally! I'm gonna go through it again and do the exercises.

I think I need to work through it and see where it leads. There's a pattern in my life where I become dissatisfied and restless. Not all the time, but sporadically. Today I kinda felt like that. I get the feeling that I'm not doing what I'm meant to be doing. There's something more I need to be doing...maybe not something more, but something closer to my heart.

It's like I have trouble accessing what's in my heart so I have trouble moving towards my heart's desire. It's probably more accurate to say that I know what's in my heart, but I'm not allowing myself to admit it and go there. "The Artist's Way" addresses these blocks we have - and that's why I want to really work through this book. I want to get through barriers and myths and fears.

I admire people who are clear on their likes and dislikes; who are passionate and enthusiastic and can express it freely. I think I picked up the idea somewhere that I'm not supposed to show my feelings. Even though I've been changing, I have a ways to go. I think writing has been my saving grace.

Quotes from "The Artist's Way"...

"Creativity is oxygen for our souls. Cutting off our creativity makes us savage. We react like we are being choked."

"We are not accustomed to thinking that God's will for us and our own inner dreams can coincide. Instead, we have bought the message of our culture: this world is a vale of tears and we are meant to be dutiful and then die. The truth is that we are meant to be bountiful and live...Our truest dream for ourselves is always God's will for us."

"While we are ambivalent, the universe will seem to us also to be ambivalent and erratic...Once we trigger an internal yes by affirming our truest goals and desires, the universe mirrors that yes and expands it."

"Mystery is at the heart of creativity. That, and surprise. All too often, when we say we want to be creative, we mean that we want to be able to be productive"

"God is glorified in the fruitage of our lives." Joel S. Goldsmith

The weekend seemed a little busy. I went to yoga Fri. morning and met a friend for lunch at Vintner's. It was hard to find, but I eventually made it and the food was really good. A bit pricey, but worth it. I had the caesar's salad and bouillabaisse. Didn't do anything in the evening since my back was aching.

I made an appt. to get a massage the next morning. It was just what I needed - I asked her to work only my back, forearms and shoulders if there was time. After that, I went to look at flooring, bathroom stuff and ended up walking around the whole store. I came home to meet with a guy who I'll probably ask to put the flooring in for the extra room. I want to learn too so I asked if he'd show me what to do so I can help. I got ideas from him about the extra room and bathroom so after we were done, I went to another place to look at flooring.

I was thinking all this time that I wanted laminate. I was drawn to the Brazilian cherry (can't remember what colors these were)

But then I saw some tile samples and I started to wonder if I liked the tile better...

I liked this one with it's rustic look...you can't tell from the picture, but each tile has a slightly different shade or blend of colors so it's not so uniform.

So now I'm thinking of going with tile in that extra room. Today I picked up some color sample cards for paint. And I also looked around a home consignment store just to get ideas. Most of the small tables, lamps, chests that I liked were $200 and above. I won't be able to get everything at once.

It's hard to imagine how everything will look together. I like certain things, but I don't know how they'll go with eachother. For the bathroom, I want to get a vessel sink - I saw a cobalt blue one I liked. But instead of it sitting right on top, I want it sunken in maybe halfway. I have an idea of what kind of faucet, but again, not sure if they'll go together. I guess that's where professionals come in handy - they can tie things together or modify to fit your taste.

I remember getting the backyard done, I showed the landscaper pictures of things I liked and he came up with a plan that I liked. I had mapped out in my head where things could go, but he filled in the details.

Well, I'm getting hungry now so I'll stop so I can make something to eat...I feel like having nabe tonight.

I dug up a couple of Rolfing books because Suki told me she was reading one from the library and was planning to buy a copy for herself so she could mark it up. I thought that I might have them from years ago, but wasn't sure. Since I've gotten rid of so many things, I had to look. Sure enough, one was in my closet and one was in the garage! I gave her one and the other one I'm feverishly reading before I see her next! I probably won't finish it, but I want to get through as much as I can.

I got those books right after finishing school because I was most interested in Structural Integration. But I never got to reading them, so I figure it's best to go to someone who will use it now. It's an interesting read.

I'm intrigued by the physical/psychological/emotional/spiritual connection. I've been drawn to things that have to do with healing, but have never quite been able to find that place that seems like home. I've been interested in psychology, but never wanted to be a psychologist. I thought at one point that I'd like going into physical therapy or chiropractics. I've thought that I might be gifted in intercessory prayer. I was told that I may have the gift of healing. I've experienced times of prayer where my hands would shake uncontrollably.

Now I wonder if being a therapist will weave everything together for me. I want to learn more about healing through bodywork. Not just on a physical level, but on a deeper, more lasting level. I wonder if belief systems can be reached from a physical avenue. I'm praying that God will guide me to that "home". I want to be able to use any gifts I may have for His glory and to bless and free those I come into contact with. Not that I need to see all the results, but I want to be a part of peoples' healing and journey to health.


From "Rolfing and Physical Reality" by Ida Rolf

"This is the gospel of Rolfing: When the body gets working appropriately, the force of gravity can flow through. Then, spontaneously, the body heals itself."

Hopefully I will do some reading this weekend. Reading seems to plant my feet on the ground. I guess it depends what I read...probably why I choose to read books that are reflective in nature. It seems like in the process of letting one's creative side free, you need to recover some lost things in yourself. The last chapters I've read have been on recovering a sense of strength and compassion. There are things we tell ourselves as we develop and that we carry with us until we sort out for ourselves what is true and what is false.

"The Artist's Way"

Pain that is not used profitably quickly solidifies into a leaden heart, which makes any action difficult.

One of the most important tasks in artistic recovery is learning to call things - and ourselves - by the right names. Most of us have spent years using the wrong names for our behaviors. We have wanted to create and we have been unable to create and we have called that inability laziness. This is not merely inaccurate. It is cruel. Accuracy and compassion serve us far better.

Finding it hard to begin a project does not mean you will not be able to do it. It means you will need help - from your higher power, from supportive friends, and from yourself. First of all, you must give yourself permission to begin small and go in baby steps. The steps must be rewarded. Setting impossible goals creates enormous fear, which creates procrastination, which we wrongly call laziness.

There is only one cure for fear. That cure is love.

Fear...I wonder what life would look like w/o fear. It seems to be what drives people to do extreme things. I mean extreme things in a potentially harmful way. I believe love drives people to extremes too.