Last week, I wanted to try a new restaurant, but it wasn't open for business yet =(. But we went to another place that is decent. I had the chirashi and the rice was just ok. But the fish and tamago were good. I go there for their all-you-can-eat sushi and it's usually good.

I think I may be approaching a "productive" phase. I want to get more things done and set/accomplish more goals and dreams. Tackle fears, break down restrictions, experience greater freedom. Become more aggressive about living life fully.

I started re-reading "The Success System That Never Fails" by W. Clement Stone. From chapter 2 : Getting Ready for Tomorrow...

...emotions (like fear) are not immediately subject to reason but the are subject to action. When thoughts do not neutralize an undesireable emotion - action will

...Fatigue is not conducive to doing yur best work. Don't reduce your energy level so low that your drain your battery...Time is one of the most important ingredients in any successful formula for any human activity. Save time. Invest it wisely.

I think after reading the part about emotions being subject to action, I felt like testing that theory out. But what would be a good experiment? I fear failing in front of others; I fear being perceived as incompetent; I fear people being angry at me. As I think about what I'm afraid of, it's hard to distinguish the difference btwn things I don't like, and things I fear. What makes the difference? Is it just a matter of confidence in my ability to overcome? I don't want any pain inflicted on myself, but I don't fear it. I am a little afraid of hurting myself and not being able to work, therefore not able to pay bills. But I don't think it's a big fear because some things are just beyond our control and we deal with it if it comes.

Maybe fear and control are closely related. If I feel like I should have control over a certain area, then I'm more likely to fear my own failure. I'm responsible for this certain thing, and I will bear the consequences for not being in control. For example, maybe my thoughts are "It's my job to succeed, be competent in whatever I do, and to not make people angry at me." The weight of the responsibility and expectation causes fear of failing because I've never been aware of what the punishment or consequence will be. All I know is that "I better do it or else...", but those 3 dots are never spelled out so I assume gloom and doom.

As a kid growing up, I heard "You can do whatever you set your mind to" and "You have so much potential". I think I interpreted that as "you have capabilities, but you're doing nothing with it or about it." And the way human brains can twist things around, I probably did so that it became, "You are failing everyday until you do something spectacular and outstanding." How's that theory? Well, if that's the case, what needs to be done about it? Instead of burdening myself with the responsibility of succeeding and avoiding anger, I should feel the freedom to succeed and let go of trying to control other peoples' anger? Hmmm...I may be able to neutralize some fears by my thought process after all!

I need to let things sink in a bit.

In massage, I often go to the area that hurts and see if I can release any triggers points, knots, etc. first. If not, I go to surrounding areas and feel if there's a pull coming from there. I test the movement of muscle. Sometimes people have fine range of motion so I think it's that layer over the muscles - the fascia. So a neck pain might be caused by some restriction in the waist. Like psychology, it's not always as it seems. It takes some feeling around and testing movement in the body.

So I will think about this theory of sense of responsibility vs. freedom. Pinpointing where fear is coming from. My testing ground will be noticing what I veer away from in an attempt to control my environment so I will be "safe". And safe from what? I want to be free to give and love. But certainly, I have restrictions. Why? Haven't I been set free by Jesus to do so? In that case I fear being deceived and depleted. If I give to others indescriminately, won't I get burned? Hmmm...more underlying fears.

Okay, so I think I should start by outlining the life I want to live. And then look at what is restricting me from living that way. A postural analysis, if you will. Target the most restrictive areas and determine whether the problem is a local injury, or if it's coming from somewhere else. It may be that surrounding areas need to be released first, in order for the more obvious areas to be corrected...and stay corrected. That's often where the healing process is prolonged...the root of problems remain.

This has been a long entry, but it's been helpful in taking me through a thought process.