Breaking Point, Turning Point

Very bizarre (is it one z and 2 r's, or 2 z's and one r??!) behavior from yours truly this afternoon. In a fit of rage, I trashed my room. Well, maybe it was more a mini-fit of frustration, I toppled things onto the floor from my bed, bookshelf and nightstand =). I let myself do it because that's not something I'd usually do, but felt the urge. I did it pensively, but tried to let some steam off. I'm still too much in my head to do anything that drastic.

The bad thing about messing up your room as a way of release is that eventually you have to clean it up. The good thing is that all the flat surfaces look so clean (except the floor, which looks disasterous). I started journaling on my bed and then I fell asleep. When I woke up, I looked to see what time it was but the clock was knocked on the floor so I didn't know. I started thinking of that attachment we sometimes have to time. I let it go. I don't have to be anywhere or do anything today.

Then I started to think about what triggered this in the first place. A combination of things, I'm sure. But to name a few:

1. Watching that guy on Oprah that lives in a really small house he built in OR or WA. He cut out a lot of complications in his life.

2. Watching Vlogbrother videos on YouTube. Entertaining brothers who seem to be involved in community and think of fun and meaningful projects to be a part of.
http://www.youtube.com/vlogbrothers
http://www.brotherhood2.com

3. Sitting out in the backyard in the hammock under the patio cover while it rained. The sound of rain puts me in an introspective mood.

4. Feeling alone in the things I do, the things I aspire to do and feeling limited in my ability to accomplish them.

Lying in the dark after waking up from my unintentional nap, I thought about fasting. And then about doing the Master Cleanse. Fasting in order to focus my attention on what kinds of projects to align myself with. Before I took my nap, I was writing down some of the things I'd like to change or help others with.

1. Healthcare - increase nutritional/fitness knowledge (that is, after I increase my own knowledge!); decrease the drug dependence.

2. Finance - increase wise financial management in families

3. Food pantry - help to feed the hungry

4. I know I'd like to be involved in something more global too.

5. Help others dream dreams and see them come to life.

6. Uncover gifts/talents and find uses for them that will bring glory to God.

But it doesn't all have to be so serious. The brothers that vlog have this project of somehow utilizing misprinted business cards that are floating around. I don't know if it's been decided yet, but great way to take something we normally think of as waste and turning it into something good or fun, or whatever - as if to redeem those mistakes =).

I want my life to become more simple, focused, and fun. I worry about money more than I should, sit unproductively in front of the TV more than I want, and play video games more than is good for me. There are a lot of projects at home, but I just don't have the means to fund them right now. So instead of becoming discouraged, maybe I should look at ways to volunteer my time to help others do what they dream of doing.

I remember a story about 2 groups of people. Both had long spoons tied to their hands, sitting at a round table full of food. One group starved because they couldn't feed themselves with the spoons being longer than their arms, while the others enjoyed the feast by feeding the person across the table from them.